How To Stop Sexual Abuse In Churches

It's kind of funny how churches can't seem to figure out how to stop sexual abuse when the Bible gives a pretty clear answer. It may seem too simple to be true, but most Biblical answers usually are.

I left church (probably for good) more than ten years ago. Since then, I’ve figured out that for the most part, churches are the epitome of the phrase “can’t see the forest for the trees.” Every denomination seems to be chock full of highly trained and educated theologians that (in my opinion) don’t seem to grasp the most basic concepts of the Bible.

The truth is, churches have become steeped in hierarchy and any time there are hierarchies there will be exploitation and abuse. Hierarchies are systems of value whereby some people are “better” or more valuable than others. This is completely contradictory to the message, example and life of Jesus. In Christ, we are not only all equals, we are all one.

So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise. (Gal 3:26-29 NIV)

There are two reasons that men inherently create hierarchies. The first is to make themselves feel more valuable than others, but this is also why there is always exploitation and abuse. The lower you are in the hierarchy the less you are valued and the more worthless you are made to feel. This creates a situation whereby “important” people can do whatever they want to “unimportant” people, which is most often to abuse them. The second reason men create hierarchies, however, is that the higher you are in the hierarchy, the less authority anyone has over you and the more authority you have over others. In hierarchies, accountability only flows one way, which is upward.

The Bible, on the other hand, says something very different about accountability.

Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you. (Heb 13:17 NIV emphasis mine)

For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil. (2 Cor 5:10 NIV)

Here’s a really great one, that I personally love.

Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness.

Christians love to talk about the judgement seat of Christ, but mostly they just love picturing God “smiting” all the gays and lesbians and women who got abortions. The irony, of course, is that the people Jesus always had the “choicest” words for were religious hypocrites. Throughout the New Testament, however, many of Jesus’ parables involved ongoing accountability and not just at the end of our lives.

In Matthew 25, a man calls his servants together and gives them each some bags of gold. Then the master returns and demands an accounting of their actions. Two servants, who had used their gold wisely, were given greater responsibilities. The third servant, however, had buried his gold. He got it taken away and given to a servant who had used his wisely.

This is called accountability and it is what is completely lacking in most churches! We are all called to be accountable, but people in positions of authority are called into even greater accountability. Instead, in most churches, pastors are a law unto themselves. Men love hierarchies because there is always a “top dog” who is accountable to no one. Frankly, this is by design.

In most established denominations, there is almost always a hierarchical system that is supposed to function as a system of accountability, but it rarely does. Men in power have a very long history of protecting themselves, rather than those they are supposed to be protecting. (Just like we recently saw in Uvalde and the 200+ page SBC report.) They protect the institutions they have built rather than the people that populate them.

In doing so, they also protect each other from any consequences when or if they are ever caught. They will protect the offender over the victim when they can, but if they can’t, then they will throw the offender under the bus to protect the institution. Which means victims rarely (if ever) get justice and abuse just goes right on happening.

The Bible is nothing if not rampant with stories of the abuse of power, which the men who translate, interpret and teach the Bible have consistently turned a blind eye to. Only recently, as more and more women have become pastors, theologians and Biblical scholars, has it come to light that David actually raped Bathsheba. For centuries men have interpreted their relationship as either being a mutual failing or made Bathsheba the villain by claiming she seduced David. Because men will always turn a blind eye to their own abuses of power.

And this is where accountability comes in.

Over and over, the Bible says that leaders are to be “above reproach” as well as listing a pretty extensive list of character traits that I’m not sure most of today’s “Christian” leaders possess. In a perfect example of the church following the world rather than being a light to it, churches seem to be far more concerned with credentials and charisma than with character. Timothy, on the other hand, has something very different to say about what is important in a leader.

Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task. Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. (1 Tim 3:1-4)

I particularly love the part where it says they should not be a lover of money. I think that would disqualify a vast number of today’s “Christian” leaders right there. If that doesn’t do it, most church leader’s Twitter accounts would. Most of them are nothing if not “quarrelsome.” Today’s leaders are more interested in “scoring points” by antagonizing the “opposition” than in teaching or spreading the gospel. Titus says:

An elder must be blameless, faithful to his wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient. Since an overseer manages God’s household, he must be blameless—not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. (Titus 1:6-7)

Ever hear of “PK’s” (pastor’s/ preacher’s kids)? Rather than being well-known for their good character, they are far more often known for having addiction issues, behavioral problems and leaving church once they reach adulthood. Largely because they’ve gotten a good look at the hypocrisy that runs rampant in most churches. Do you notice how the Bible never talks about any educational requirements for leadership but rather encourages communities to choose leaders of good character?

And this is where entire church bodies - whether they know it or not - actually perpetuate abuses in the church. While it is true that leaders are called to a higher standard, churches fail to hold them accountable to that. We love the idea of “good people” and “bad people,” but what we don’t realize is that line of thinking also leads to the idea of there being better or best people. Clergy are often thought of as “better” than others, simply because they are clergy. This is not only false, but it is damaging.

Thinking of someone as being better than everyone else is called pedestaling or platforming. If you’ll notice, most church leaders literally stand on a platform when speaking. This is, once again, by design - yet most of us are just so used to it, we don’t even notice it. Pedestaling people creates a dangerous cycle. Once we put someone on a pedestal and treat them as if they are better than others, they can also quickly start to believe it and that is where abuses of power start to happen.

There’s little people love more than watching someone fall off their pedestal, but what no one wants to look at is why they were ever on one in the first place. Every once in a while, someone comes along that doesn’t allow themselves to be put on a pedestal. They are humble enough to know they are not, in fact, better than anyone else. When someone called Jesus “good teacher” he replied “why do you call me good? No one is good except God.” (Mark 10:18) In Acts 10:34, Peter said that God does not show favoritism.

Sometimes we pedestal wealthy people, or those who are beautiful or famous but it is particularly damaging when we pedestal religious leaders because it implies God favors them more. The irony is that it’s also damaging to them because pedestaling creates distance, divide and separation. Clergy rarely feel fully a part of the flocks they are called to minister to.

Many clergy also have a love/ hate relationship with pedestaling. Although it sets them apart and makes them feel like an “outsider,” it also feeds their ego to feel “better” or more holy than everyone else. It’s only a matter of time before they begin to take pride in how righteous they are - and you know what the Bible says about pride.

This is why it is so important to pull pastors and clergy off of their pedestals and create healthy systems of accountability. How do you do that? It is shockingly simple. You make them give an account of themselves. That is what it means to hold someone accountable. There is no world in which pastors and clergy should not be accountable to the people they lead. When they are, it pulls them off the pedestal of being above everyone.

A former colleague of mine was a lifelong smoker who agreed to participate in a smoking study. What was different about this study is that in addition to offering nicotine patches and other traditional treatments, they also created accountability. Every week someone would call my friend and ask him if he smoked that week. That’s all. He just had to answer yes or no. He didn’t know the person and he was free to lie. There was no follow-up, just that one question every week.

He told me that he started to get so angry at having to answer that question every week. He knew he would have to either admit he smoked, which made him feel so weak and powerless - or lie, which also made him feel every bit as weak and powerless. The study lasted several months and he said eventually he just got so tired of feeling angry, weak and powerless that he quit smoking. He had tried many times previously to quit but he had never managed to quit longer than a few months. We had this conversation more than a year after he quit.

In recovery groups such as AA, NA and others, addicts attend meetings as often as needed to maintain their sobriety. Some attend meetings infrequently, others every day and sometimes multiple times a day. Recovering addicts are also encouraged to find a sponsor; someone they meet with regularly to talk about how things are going. They are also encouraged to call any time night or day when they feel in danger of relapsing. In other words, addicts are encouraged to find someone to whom they remain accountable.

Every recovery group meeting starts with attendees stating their name and their addiction. The reason for this is to remind them that they will always be “in recovery” and always susceptible to relapsing. It is a constant reminder to always be on guard. So at the beginning of every meeting they say their name and reaffirm the fact that they are an addict.

This is what is missing in churches. When we treat clergy as if they are incapable of falling into sin, addiction or abuse just like everyone else, eventually they begin to believe it too. And what do you think happens when someone starts to think they are incapable of falling into all the same shit that has plagued mankind for thousands of years? This is why we hate accountability and why it works. Accountability reminds us every day, or every week, that we are just as weak, human and frail as everyone else on this planet. No one is above temptation and without accountability we all fall eventually.

Churches would be wise to demand accountability from their leadership, which is a lot easier than you would imagine. Every week you simply have your leaders meet with a team that asks them some simple questions face-to-face - or even via video chat. Some questions you might ask are:

• Have you had any inappropriate interactions or engagements this week?

• Have you done anything that might be viewed as morally wrong or inappropriate?

• Have you conducted yourself with honor and integrity this week?

• Have you done anything you would be ashamed for your friends, family or congregation to find out about?

There doesn’t need to be any follow-up to these questions, regardless of what the answer is. The point is not to be judge and jury, the point is simply to force clergy to be honest with themselves. Generally, the way we are able to continue to do things we are ashamed of is that we avoid facing the truth of what we are doing. We create all kinds of excuses in our own head to justify what we are doing. Men say things like “well, she wanted it too” or “she came on to me” or women say things like “I just wanted some attention and my husband wasn’t giving it to me.”

It’s not so much that we lie to ourselves as that we simply avoid asking ourselves the tough questions. This is why being asked those tough questions by others is so important. While we may be able to lie to others about our actions and behaviors for a short time, for most of us, the lies will begin to eat away at us until we just can’t take it anymore. Just knowing in advance that we will have to face someone and give account of our actions can also help us make better decisions in the first place.

I spent several years in childhood with distant relatives who were Mormon. At the end of every year, every church member has to meet with the Bishop and he asks you one question: “Did you tithe 10% this year?” That’s it, that’s all. You just have to say yes or no. You can lie, there will be no followup question. You just have to sit face-to-face with your Bishop and tell him whether or not you tithed. I think I had that meeting twice and I remember the feeling of sitting there having to answer that question to this very day. Probably because I lied. Had I remained a Mormon, however, I doubt I would have been able to keep lying for long and I only had to have that meeting once a year. Accountability works.

No one wakes up one morning and has an affair or commits sexual assault or embezzles large sums of money. It always starts off very “innocently.” Deep down, you know it’s probably wrong, but it’s usually something you can shrug off as being harmless. You suddenly become aware of how they always laugh at your jokes or their new budding breasts or how white their teeth actually are. In short, you become aware of them.

Or maybe you become aware of just how easy it would be to write yourself a check or buy yourself something with the church credit card because of how trusted clergy tends to be. In recovery groups they say you are only as sick as your secrets. It also stands to reason that the longer you keep a secret, the sicker you become. Knowing you will have to give account for your actions has the powerful effect of stopping things when they are still at these “harmless” or “innocent” stages.

Would this stop all sexual assault, harassment and abuse in churches? No. There is no perfection on earth and there will always be borderline personalities that can lie without compunction. Would it drastically reduce sexual abuse and the abuse of power in churches? Absolutely. Will it happen? Probably not. Accountability makes grown adults feel like children, so they will fight it out of their own ego and pride. And most church bodies are too in awe of their leaders to make it happen. They also often don’t want to know their pastors are just flawed, fallible humans just like them.

The answer is very simple, which means it may seem too simple to actually work. This is why the Bible has a lot to say about not leaning on our own understanding and how we must become like children. The Gospel is not complicated, nor are God’s answers for most of the problems that plague us. We are the ones that complicate things. Education becomes one more type of gatekeeping - meaning only the most highly educated among us can possibly understand the deep truths of the Gospel. It’s just not true. Even a child can understand them - and apply them - if they choose to. But doing so requires humility, which seems to be in short supply in most churches.