The Disturbingly Fine Line Between Churches and Cults
Many people wonder how reasonable, rational people could get caught up in cults like Scientology and NXIVM. But many churches aren't all that different - here's why.
When people think of cults, they often think of the most extreme examples; where people literally die for the cult leader, have multiple wives or sex partners or, as with NXIVM, engage in extreme activities like branding. But the disturbing truth is that “cults” exist on a continuum between the most extreme and much more pedantic. There is a new term that is rising up, however, which is much more descriptive of both how cults operate and the exact nature of the threat they create. They are called “high control groups.” Another related term people may be quickly becoming familiar with is coercive control.
It is these last two terms that are critically important because they define a dynamic that can occur in a church, a business, a small group or even within a single relationship. These dynamics don’t even need a physical presence or known leader to exert a controlling influence, as evidenced by the disturbing phenomenon of Qanon. The truth is, it is never a good idea to get too high on your horse and say “that could never happen to me” - because it can. It can happen to anyone.
Every one of these groups or individuals gain power by understanding how to “hotwire” certain mechanisms embedded deep in the human psyche. Even tech startups like WeWork, Uber and Theranos rose to power through the use of cult or high control group tactics. In most cases, this hot-wiring is actually unconscious.
Many high-control group leaders may actually start out with good intentions, but as they gain more power, they simply use it to keep gaining more and more power. They may even start to recruit others to use the same strategies to control a larger and larger group. Once you see and understand how high-control strategies work, you may be shocked to see how prevalent they actually are in our culture.
By understanding how they work, however, and what it is in our own nature that they tap into, you can certainly better protect yourself. In fact, once you recognize them, you may discover you are already in a high control group/ relationship without even knowing it. Understanding you are in one, however, does not mean extracting yourself will be simple. This is why high control groups/ relationships are so dangerous. They are ridiculously easy to get into and painfully hard to get out of.
High control groups are like a series of slow moving tentacles that intertwine themselves deep in your psyche over time. Given enough time, they can develop such a strong grip that just the thought of extracting yourself can cause fear and terror. Which is why they are so hard to escape. The truth is, no one can escape them without leaving a part of themselves behind. The more intertwined you have become, the larger that part of you that must be left behind. This is also why there is always a long period of recovery that has to happen once you leave - if you are ever able to escape in the first place.
Once again, always remember that it’s easy to look at something from the outside that spent years taking root and see it for what it is, but to those on the “inside” it was such a slow, insidious process that they never saw it for what it was. And that is by design. So, here are nine key traits of a high-control group.
A Charismatic But Controlling Leader
While charisma is not automatically a toxic trait, it is probably the single most glaring hallmark of all toxic groups or relationships. Charismatic people are generally highly intelligent and have an innate understanding of what motivates people and make them tick. They also generally have the ability to block everything else out and commit to total and complete focus on one singular thing. In an ADD/ADHD world, when that kind of laser focus is directed at you, it can make you feel incredibly special. Until it doesn’t.
A highly charismatic person can make you feel as if you are the only person in a room crowded with people. They literally make you feel completely seen, known and heard. That kind of attention can be intoxicating and make you crave more of it, which is how the “addiction” starts. It makes you feel great, that is, until you step out of line. Then that same laser focus that drew you in can shred you to pieces. If they even give you attention at all. The other control tactic of highly charismatic people is to send you into the “outer rim.” If you still don’t conform to their will, they may just cut you off entirely. Scientology is fairly famous for operating what amounts to a prison. It is usually where people who displease David Miscavige are sent.
Many people have become familiar with Oxytocin as the “cuddle hormone,” but it is much more complicated than that. While it plays a role in the building of romantic attachments, it also plays a role in group bonding and the establishment of trust. If someone knows how to trigger the release of Oxytocin in you, it makes you more likely to trust them and Oxytocin attachments can be very difficult to break. When we are with someone that triggers the release of oxytocin, it makes us want more, which creates a strong desire to be around that person. That desire can quickly develop into a stronger and stronger craving.
Oxytocin helps us build incredibly strong bonds that are very hard to break. In the right context and under the right circumstances, that is a great thing. It can also lead to behaviors like stalking or an inability of one person to let go of a relationship and move on. Thanks to the introduction of Oxytocin, many cult and church relationships can have these same dynamics. They are amazing, until they are not, but even then, they are very hard to break free of.
People often wonder why or how unattractive men - like Keith Raniere, L. Ron Hubbard or an aging Hugh Hefner - can be such a magnet for young, attractive women. What most people fail to understand is that those women who are viewed as highly attractive by others don’t necessarily see themselves that way. Beautiful/ attractive women struggle with body image issues just like everyone else and even more importantly, they want to be liked for who they are, not just how they look. Just like everyone else, they want to be seen, heard and known.
Charismatic people know how to make others feel special. That can be very intoxicating, and perhaps even more so to people who are highly attractive. Attractive people are often quite used to being used for their looks. When someone actually makes them feel as if they want to give them something rather than take something from them, it can be quite addicting. The problem, of course, is that this idea is simply an illusion. The controlling charismatic doesn't actually want to give, they absolutely want to take but they know how to hide their motives much better than most.
In and of itself, charisma is not a bad thing. Unless or until charismatic people realize just how much control they can gain over others just by making them feel special. When they start to realize that, things can get real dark real quick.
Deification of the leader
In most high-control groups, the leader will be treated more like a god than just another ordinary group member. One glaringly obvious sign of this is when the leader’s birthday is celebrated with grand pageantry, but no one else’s is. The bigger the party that is thrown for the leader, the more likely the organization is to be a high-control group.
Another warning sign is when no one is allowed to speak ill of the leader but the group is encouraged and given numerous opportunities to praise them publicly. Everyone has faults and flaws, so when people are not allowed to talk about the leader’s faults and flaws, that is a pretty clear sign of toxic leadership. This is particularly damaging when the leader can publicly berate or point out the flaws of others but no one is allowed to even speak of the leader’s shortcomings. That is just a toxic dynamic all around.
A Clearly Established Hierarchy
Although hierarchical structures have come under intense scrutiny recently, they aren’t always inherently bad. In some cases clearly established hierarchies are actually critical to the safety of the group such as in the military or emergency rescue operations. In toxic churches, cults and businesses, however, hierarchies are used as a control strategy; particularly when paired with a charismatic leader.
In many cases, hierarchies are clearly established through the use of ranks, which are visibly reinforced through the use of sashes, ribbons or other emblems. When you can literally look around a room and immediately know your place in the hierarchy, you are most likely in a highly toxic environment. Although not all hierarchies are established quite so visibly and publicly, the more rigidly they are created or enforced, the more toxic an environment is likely to be. The looser and less rigid a hierarchy is, the healthier it tends to be.
Traditionally, in most churches, pastors would stand at the door and socialize with congregants as they were leaving. In addition, they were generally available to almost anyone by appointment. As churches got larger and larger, pastors began to be treated more like rock stars, with only a small entourage gaining access to them. Hillsong New York even went so far as to have VIP seating for the most important attendees. When some people are treated as being more important than others in a church, that is a very clear sign of toxicity. The more established a hierarchy is in any group where the hierarchy isn’t necessary for the safety of the group, the more likely that group is to be toxic.
A Vague “Mission” of Great Importance
As humans, we all want to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. For the most part, we also have a desire to help make the world around us a better place. This is one more way in which high control organizations hijack our innate nature and use it for their own purposes. Organizations which actually create change in the world have clearly defined goals and a clearly established methodology for meeting them. Cults, most churches and other high control groups, including tech startups like WeWork, use the idea of “changing the world” as a mantra to increase buy-in without every really offering a clear goal to be hit.
In this somewhat infamous video of Tom Cruise that was apparently used as a recruitment video for Scientology, he just keeps saying over and over how “we have to help people.” While that is certainly an admirable goal, there is no clear indication of just how they aim to accomplish that, nor is there any evidence that the people they seem to want to help actually want their assistance. Many churches make vague claims about “spreading the gospel,” but what does that even mean? Usually, it just means they want to increase their church membership, in order to increase giving in order to build bigger church buildings.
Exploitation
The idea of working for something “greater than yourself” creates fertile ground for exploitation. “Changing the world” has been used by far too many organizations as a reason why workers should not have to be paid. Numerous Hillsong volunteers were working the equivalent of a full-time job for free, while Carl Lentz was running around in a high-priced wardrobe, including sneakers worth thousands of dollars.
As WeWork grew larger and larger, employees were pushed into smaller and smaller spaces even as Adam Neumann’s personal offices grew larger and larger - even to the point of being garish. As the company grew, workers were also pressed to work longer and longer hours on less and less money. It should be a huge red flag when those at the top of the hierarchy are living like kings while those on the bottom can barely make ends meet.
Both NXIVM and Scientology even go so far as to sell high-priced classes and materials that members have to purchase to move up the ranks. In many cases, they are investing numerous hours per week in these activities, while still having to hold down full-time jobs in order to pay for them. Members in both organizations will often end up severely in debt trying to work their way up the ladder to the “inner circle.”
Lack of Oversight or Accountability
Steve Jobs was famously fired from his own company by his own Board of Directors, yet when high profile pastors engage in a wide range of disturbing behaviors, their church boards generally help them sweep it under the carpet. It should be fairly universally disturbing when churches start using NDA’s, yet it is becoming increasingly common. When individuals create a disturbance in the church, there is a Biblical format laid out for dealing with that.
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Matt 18:15-17
Most churches have it written into their bylaws how church disputes are to be settled, yet they are rarely followed. Perhaps thousands of church members have found themselves unceremoniously excluded from churches without any sort of due process at all. More often than not an accusation against a leader simply gets the accuser silenced and thrown out. Even more disturbingly, however, there are few, if any churches that actually have any kind of formal oversight or means of settling disputes that arise over misbehavior on the part of leadership. This is particularly true of charismatic pastors, who are the church’s golden goose. As long as they keep bringing in the big tithers, they are free to live, act and do as they please.
Atmosphere of Toxic Positivity
Romans 12:15 tells us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn”; yet there is no space for mourning in a church, business or cult whose only mission is to grow, grow, grow. Nor is there any space for anxiety, depression, illness, addiction or any of the less-than-desirable states of man. The way that cults, toxic churches and businesses grow is by presenting the illusion of complete happiness and bliss. Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that.
Emotions are contagious, so when we are around happy people, it makes us happy. Anything that makes us happy activates the reward center in our brain, which makes us crave more of it. Cults, toxic churches and businesses literally create drug addicts, which is why they will literally fight anyone that tries to tell them the organization they are a part of is not healthy. This is also why so many people fought so hard to keep churches open during the pandemic, in spite of the health hazard it created. Churches are creating junkies that need their fix. It’s also why it those who leave or get out continue to long desperately for what they once had. Getting out of and healing from a toxic organization requires the exact same process that overcoming a drug addiction does.
The problem is that life is not all fun and games and happiness. As soon as a church/ cult member begins to experience very real problems that can bring on feelings of anxiety or depression, they will learn very quickly that there is no room in the group for that. Toxic groups or organizations are focused on growth, which means they always have to present a happy face to the world in order to retain the appealing image that draws in so many new people each week. Those dealing with issues learn to either put on a big smile and push down their pain or they quickly find themselves on the outside.
Isolation From Outside Influences
Churches, cults and high control organizations are pretty infamous for offering a greater and greater number of activities or means of cutting members off from outside influences. Many people growing up in churches can remember going to church Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night, in addition to participating in numerous church activities throughout the week. This is by design. High control organizations know that people who are cut off from outside influences become far easier to manipulate and control.
This is also why people can have such vastly different experiences with the same organization. Many people took NXIVM classes and had highly positive experiences with the organization. This is probably because they never became cut off from ties outside of the organization. WeWork created WeLive, in which employees literally lived in the same building they worked in. The buildings themselves were highly controlled, with all visitors being monitored. This cut down on the number of visitors that even wanted to visit, which helped cut employees off from almost all outside ties.
“Shunning”
By cutting members off from outside ties, they create a situation in which an individual’s entire social network is now within the organization. As humans, we have a strong need for social ties. Our social ties create a sense of safety, so even the thought of losing those ties can create a sense of panic and alarm. This is why even though many people in toxic or high-control groups eventually figure out that they are in a toxic group, they can’t gather the courage to pull themselves out.
This is also why it is so hard for women to leave abusive relationships, particularly if there are children involved. The security of the familiar is preferable to the panic of the unknown, no matter how toxic that familiar might be. The threat of taking away someone’s entire community and social safety net is one of the most effective control mechanisms high-control groups use. This is also the one used most often in small groups and relationships.
Scientology is well known for their labeling anyone who speaks out against Scientology as a Suppressive Person and it probably isn't a coincidence that Keith Raniere labeled any NXIVM detractors the same way. Any time individuals who speak out against or leave a group are encouraged to be “shunned” by those remaining in the group, there is a high likelihood you are dealing with a high- control/ toxic organization.
In a nutshell, one of the most important things you can do to protect yourself from cults, toxic environments or relationships is to never, never, never let yourself become cut off from outside relationships. For those who have friends and family in a toxic or high-control organization, the best thing you can do for them is to simply let them know you are willing to help and support them if they ever decide to leave or get out. You can’t force them out and you can’t coerce them out.
For those that have escaped a high-control group or relationship, it is important to understand that you are dealing with the same dynamics as someone recovering from addiction. It will take time to heal and you will probably need to undergo some type of therapy or counseling or receive help from a support group of some kind. You will most likely feel a longing for what you had, and that is understandable. Cults and high-control groups are literally addicting.
Agree with this article but I have one criticism: ALL groups have these dynamics at play. Work, sports teams, neighborhood organizations … they all place the charismatic at the top, demand group loyalty, squeeze out negative voices. It’s the nature of corporate human society. The way to inoculate churches from sliding into cult-dom is spelled out in Paul’s epistles: stay centered on Christ. Doing so will keep leaders in check, hierarchies from forming, saints from becoming addicted. Celebrate Christ every meeting. Center on Him. I know that’s a bit abstract but it’s real to me. When I see a coifed leader and a spotlighted praise band soaking in glory, I look for the exits.