The Surprising Things I Learned About Men On Craig's List Personals
Before Tinder, we used to hook up on CL Personals. In my journey to recover my own sexuality from the brokenness of religion, I spent some time there. What I learned might surprise you. It did me.
Recently, I wrote about how I have been celibate for more than 20 years. I didn’t plan to be celibate or make a conscious choice, I was simply broken in a number of different ways by men. Religion certainly played a part, but my mother’s romantic partners didn’t help - and may have caused the most damage. For a large part of that time, I was in a full-time Christian theater ministry. I lived 24/7 with other people and really felt no urge to seek out a romantic/ sexual partner, even if that had been allowed by the ministry. That was probably the experience that taught me the most about what my relational needs actually are, versus the messaging we are constantly surrounded by.
In 2006, however, I met a man that I fell head over heels in love with. That was when I really began to get a full picture of just how deeply damaged I was. It was at that point that I embarked on a journey of healing, particularly in relationship to my own sexuality. As I grew to understand how much I had been damaged by religious views, I set out on a quest to understand what my own views towards sex were. Obviously, I had been raised on the “no sex before marriage” mantra, but I was no longer sure that was the right code for me to live by.
Although I had walked away from church entirely by that time, I still occasionally listened to podcasts of sermons. One pastor said something that seemed to be pretty good life advice and it stuck with me. He said:
Instead of running around trying to break down doors, just jiggle the doorknob and see what opens.
As a veteran door-breaker-downer, I know the heartache this had caused me on numerous occasions, so I decided to approach my sexual exploration this way. Instead of setting out to absolutely, positively get laid if it killed me, I decided to try just “jiggling a few doorknobs” and see what happened. This turned out to be incredibly sage advice that I have continued to live my life by even after this.
Before I just stopped having sex altogether, I had to be completely wasted in order to have sex. I decided that if I had to be wasted, it probably wasn’t right and I just really didn’t want to do the bar/ clubbing thing. Before there was Tinder, there was the Craig’s List personals, so that’s where I went. I didn’t want to post because I didn’t want to deal with all the creepy responses, so I decided to just respond to men who had posted.
One of the things that I had already begun to realize by this time is just how much we sabotage ourselves by trying to be something we aren’t. Or, possibly even worse, by trying to be something we think men/ women are looking for. It’s ironic because we actually cause ourselves a great deal of avoidable pain by doing things this way. I think we start off with the belief that no one will like “people like us” so we have to be different in order to “make” someone like us. All we end up with are people that would have liked who we pretended to be if we were really that person. Since we are not, they end up disappointed. The truth is, there is literally someone out there for everyone but in order to find them, you have to be yourself. That takes a lot of courage.
I decided the best thing to do was just to be real and honest about who I am, my situation and what I was looking for. I didn’t try to hide the fact that I weighed over 250 lbs., nor did I try to hide the fact that I had been celibate for about ten years at that time. What I discovered when I did that blew me away. I learned all kinds of things about men I would have never discovered if I had not chosen to just be honest.
Men have been made to feel as much shame over liking curvy women as curvy women have been made to feel about their own bodies.
Technically, it should come as no surprise that there is no such thing as “what men like.” When you look at women, there are a dizzying array of different body types and it turns out, every man likes something a little different. There are plenty of men that like women with curves and rolls and some even love the look of cellulite. Yet in a world that constantly holds up one type of woman as being “ideal” there is no room for men to like anything different.
What also should come as no surprise, but seems to, is that people often like their opposite body type. When you watch TV or movies, fat people seem to always be paired together, as are “hot,” fit couples. Larger women know that when their friends, families or coworkers try to match them up, it will almost invariably be with a larger man and the same is true of people viewed as being “ hot.”
In reality, however, we are most often attracted to people who are not like us, because they help round us out. If you’re highly motivated, you’re often drawn to someone who is not quite so motivated because they help you to relax. Conversely, the less motivated person likes the more highly motivated person because they help them do things like set and achieve goals. If you’ve ever wondered why it is fairly common to see a “hot” woman with a rather dumpy man or vice-versa, this is generally why. Although two attractive people can be attracted to each other, it is generally because they are nothing like each other in almost every other way.
People generally mate based on a good mix of differences and similarities.
Unfortunately, men who like women with some extra cushion tend to get shamed for their taste just as much as the women they desire. They get called names like “chubby chaser” and are “fat shamed” almost as much as women are. As a result, they are often ashamed and embarrassed by their own desires and tend to hide them away. They may seek out sex with a “fat” woman in private, but then turn up in public with a thin woman that others think is “beautiful.”
They may not even have any sexual desire for the thin woman, but they will use both women to cover their own shame at what they desire, which can create feelings of self-doubt in both women. The “fat” woman knows the man desires her sexually but is ashamed to be seen with her in public; while the “thin” woman knows the man enjoys being seen with her but doesn’t desire her sexually. Perpetuating the lie that men don’t like “fat” women, only perpetuates shame. When we start celebrating the fact that men like all different kinds of women, we will create a better world for men and women.
Men are far more romantic than we give them credit for and understand our value even when we don’t.
Although I had decided to be fully honest about my lack of sexual experience, it was hard because I was ashamed of it. What I found shocking, however, was that every time I told a man about it, he suddenly no longer wanted to have sex with me, he wanted to date me! The irony of this, of course, was that while I was perfectly happy seeking sex on Craig’s List personals, I had no interest in starting a relationship with a man I found there. What I didn’t understand at the time, was why men suddenly want to date me rather than have sex with me when they discovered how long it had been since I had had sex.
Right around that time, however, I read the book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey. Suddenly, it all made sense. Although I disagree with much of what Harvey wrote, like almost all books written by men, there were definitely some nuggets of gold to be found. One of those nuggets was in a chapter regarding how some women are “keepers” and others are “catch-and-release.” By this, he meant that some women are women you marry, (keepers) while others are simply women you have sex with and “throw back” (catch-and-release).
Harvey stated that when he was writing the book and asking women to read certain parts and give feedback, many were angry about this chapter. They asked him “well, who decides which is which?” To which he replied: “you do.” And this is what I realized.
We set our worth and our value, not men; but men recognize the price that we set even when we don’t.
One of Harvey’s premises was that when a man talks to (hits on) a woman, he’s asking her two things: will you sleep with me and how much will it cost?
Now I understand it is easy to get angry about this and many women were, but it’s not an unreasonable question when you think about it because we decide our “price.” In other words, some women’s price is dinner, while another woman’s price might be marriage. There is no right or wrong answer, men just want to know. Some men will quickly scurry away if the answer is “marriage” while others will scurry at “just dinner,” because they are looking for something more.
One of the things that Harvey cautioned was to not try and present yourself as a “keeper” if you are actually a “catch-and-release.” What he meant by this is that if you set your value high with one man, meaning you won’t sleep with him for several weeks or months, then he will feel cheated if he finds out you recently (or currently) set your price very low for someone else. In other words, if you make him wait but didn’t make another man wait, they can feel cheated or robbed. (It’s a whole other conversation whether they have a right to feel that way, but we’ll save that for another day.)
What was interesting about my experience, however, is that apparently it also works in reverse. At that time, I had been celibate for around 10 years and had spent the time I wasn’t dating working on myself and getting to a better place, mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Whether I knew it or not, that apparently made me a woman of pretty high worth and value. Which men know. What I was doing was trying to pass myself off as “catch-and-release” when in reality I was actually a “keeper.” Which is why when I shared my story, they stopped wanting to sleep with me and instead wanted to date me. They saw my worth even when I didn’t and what’s even more interesting is they responded accordingly. Instead of simply trying to “take” something of value, they backed off and upped their offer.
Even modern men may actually be far more “valiant” than we give them credit for.
I never did end up getting laid. Thankfully, the men I met on Craig’s List actually convinced me of my worth and my value and I didn’t end up simply throwing something away I might have later regretted. That being said, I am so glad that I went out and just “jiggled some doorknobs” to see what was out there. I learned a lot about myself - and about men - in the process. That knowledge was invaluable and helped me be where I am today. Happy with who I am.
I really like your engaging style of writing. Thanks so much for sharing your life, and helping me to learn, although I am much older than you!