Thoughts on Imperfection
Most of us have spent our lives ingesting images of perfect people enjoying perfect Thanksgiving feasts. What if this has just set us all up for misery?
I spent five years working in television. I had to walk away when I started to realize the bigger picture idea of why television even exists in the first place. Most people understand on some level that it exists to sell you products and most people don’t really have an issue with that. The problem, however, is that you think it’s the ads that are selling you the product. They aren’t. The ads are just showing you the solution to the problem that you don’t even recognize the shows are creating.
Television actually exists for one reason: to make you miserable.
They show you a never-ending stream of thin, beautiful women so that you will buy billions of dollars in diet & beauty products - either to get the girl or become her. They parade a long string of handsome men in expensive, designer clothes in front of you that always get the girl, so you will buy whatever they are wearing so you too can get the girl. Whether it’s perfectly washed and waxed cars or perfectly coiffed hair, media is full of images of perfection that just doesn’t exist in real life.
There is a reason that almost all home improvement shows are sponsored by either Lowe’s or Home Depot. What few people understand is that the shows themselves are actually 20-40 minute commercials. They don’t just show you potential projects that you can do, they all end with one very specific ingredient.
The big reveal.
Why is that big reveal important? So that you can literally see how happy that new kitchen, basement or complete home remodel makes someone. The truth is, we all want to be happy and few of us are. When we see the genuine joy that lights up people’s faces when they see their new home remodel, we want some of that joy. Then Lowe’s and Home Depot jump in and show you exactly where you can get it and we run out and buy, buy, buy. Of course, we don’t always run out and buy the second we watch a single show, but over time watching face after face after face light up with that magical glow wears us down. Eventually, we’re plopping down a credit card hoping for $10K worth of happiness.
But here’s the thing.
Your life is your life and that momentary happiness you see isn’t the real-deal kind of happiness that lasts. Within 24 hours, the camera crews have packed up, the designers have removed 3/4 of what they added just for the show and homeowners are often left with half-finished projects and half-painted walls. Your relationships haven’t changed, your job hasn’t changed. Any debts or bills you had are still there and you aren’t any more or less accepted than you were the day before. Your drug or alcohol problem hasn’t gone away, you are still gay or single or trapped in an unhappy marriage. In other words, none of the real sources of our misery are going to be fixed or solved by a new tile backsplash or fresh coat of paint.
But that “big reveal” tho…
It’s very important for you to understand something about your brain. Your eyes see what your eyes see. Your brain is unable to separate what you see in movies, on TV or on social media versus what you see in real life. As far as your brain is concerned, whatever you see on a screen is real. Most of us have spent our entire lives watching an endless parade of families experience magical Thanksgivings and Christmases. Even the families that seem somewhat broken are still together at Thanksgiving. Somehow they all magically manage to put aside all their differences and enjoy a fabulous meal with nothing more than a little light bickering and squabbling.
But here’s the other thing you have to understand about all of these TV shows and movies you watch at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
They have entire teams of set designers making sure the fresh flowers on the table are perfect and the tablecloths perfectly pressed. They have professional chefs making mountains of picture-perfect food, which often isn’t even edible. They have teams of hair and makeups artists making sure everyone looks perfect and they have professional script writers making sure that while a family member may say something hurtful, it either doesn’t cut too deep or there is at least a sympathetic ear nearby to take away the sting.
In short, it isn’t real.
Although we theoretically all know that, it still sets us up for misery because we don’t understand that none of it is real! Although we are willing to admit some of it isn’t real, there will always be some little part of our brain holding on to the idea that some of it has to be real - because they show us exactly what we all want!
The perfectly coiffed Friends gathering around their perfectly hip Thanksgiving feast isn’t real.
Diane Keaton passionately defending her gay deaf son in The Family Stone isn’t real.
The perfect Black family gathered around a table with exactly the right number of “ethnic” touches for authenticity isn’t real.
The mom spending the entire week before Thanksgiving cooking a magnificent feast for her family isn’t real.
Why is it so important to understand this?
Because all of these images set us up for misery when we compare them to our own lives.
There are millions of LGBTQIA+ in America whose families do not accept them, which makes it hurt when we watch Diane Keaton passionately defend her son.
Most single people live alone or with a single roommate, which makes it hurt when we watch the Friends all gather around a huge Thanksgiving feast.
Things on screens make us feel as if we are living vicariously through someone else. but when we take the manufactured perfection we seen on TV and movie screens (and even social media) and compare them to our lives, we come up drastically short and wanting. Although social media and so-called “reality TV” make us feel even more like what we’re watching is real, even that is a carefully curated image, which is still usually created by professional set decorators and designers. Things most of us can’t actually afford.
But all of those people you see on those screens enjoying their perfect Thanksgiving meals with their perfect families, still experience all the same loneliness, heartache and stress that you and I feel. You just don’t see it. And that’s why it’s not only fake, it’s destructive. All of those images make you feel less somehow. And that is exactly what they are intended to do. They are intended to make you feel less so that you will go out and buy something to make yourself feel more.
Whether it’s a mountain of food you don’t really need so that your table looks just like the ones on the movies or an avalanche of Christmas decorations so that your home looks like a movie set. The point is to get you to buy, buy, buy and it works. And yet it doesn’t. It works for them, but not for you. All the buying and all the spending and all the cooking, baking and decorating isn’t actually going to make you any closer to your family or create the fairy-tale holidays you see in movies.
Our actual families are full of alcoholics and drug addicts and spouse abusers and people that hold vastly different political and religious views than we do. Our actual families say cruel and hurtful things, but TV makes us feel like we we have to just simply sit back and accept it because family is family. This is normal. Imperfection is normal perfection is not.
But Hollywood has given us an unrealistic image of what is and is not normal. It has convinced us that healthy families are normal, toxic ones are not. It has even convinced us that we somehow have to stay with our toxic, abusive family because “that’s what families do.” It has made us more afraid of being alone than of suffering abuse. Abusive families are in far greater supply than picture-perfect ones but we stay hoping that one day our fairy godmother will come, wave her magic wand and turn our toxic family into the Cleavers. Even if your family isn’t toxic, however, it’s unlikely you will be fully happy with them because they are still never going to live up to the perfection of a TV or movie family.
Reality might be a lot easier to accept if we weren't hit with a slew of picture-perfect images of families ours can never live up to.
Although you may not see it this way, all those images of picture perfectly families and friend groups we fill our minds with are actually harmful. They do the job they are supposed to do - they make us want something more. When we compare our own lives to theirs, our lives will always come up short. It’s called “coming up wanting” for a reason. The truth is, there is no perfection on earth. Everyone has a shitty family in one way or another or at least someone in it that can make almost any holiday or event less than ideal. Some people don’t even have any family at all.
That being said, there’s not a single one of us that doesn't have something to be thankful for. Whether that’s just having a roof over your head or food on the table or not having to spend this Thanksgiving with your horrible in-laws.
This year, rather than comparing your life to all the picture-perfect or at least carefully curated images on TV and movies, can you try to at least compare it to the lives of real people? Instead of looking around and seeing all the things you don’t have and how your life doesn’t seem to stack up to someone else’s, can you just choose to be thankful for what you do have?
If you are alone this Thanksgiving, can you at least be thankful that you have a roof over your head, a safe, warm place to sleep and food on the table (if you do) and maybe even a fur friend or two?
If you are single, can you just be thankful that you don’t have to spend the holidays trapped in a house with an abusive spouse?
If you are LGBTQIA+ and your family doesn’t accept you, can you just be thankful for a community - or even just a single friend - that does?
If you are married to someone who is not abusive, can you be thankful for them, even if they may not live up to all the images of perfection created by teams of Hollywood actors, writers and hair & makeup artists?
If you are in an abusive relationship and can’t get out of it today, can you find something to be grateful for today - and if you haven’t already, start making a plan to get out?
If you have children, can you just be thankful for them, even if they don’t live up to all of your ideals and expectations?
If it’s just you and your spouse this Thanksgiving, can you just be thankful you have each other instead of being bitter you don’t have a house full of kids and a giant Thanksgiving feast to prepare?
Gratitude is not going to solve all of our problems, but it does counter some of our misery. It’s not a long-term cure for anxiety and depression but it can help alleviate some of the worst symptoms - even if for only a few minutes. Those minutes can add up though, so the more time we spend practicing it, the more minutes we can spend free of misery. You don’t have to be thankful for what you have right now forever. If you’re single, being grateful for what that affords you today doesn’t mean giving up on the idea of marriage or mating, it just means being grateful today for what being single offers you right now.
Life is not perfect. If you spend your life waiting for perfection - for everything to be going right all at once, you’re going to be waiting a long time. Every day brings joy and pain, good news and bad. By embracing the good news and celebrating the things that bring joy, we can help to eliminate a bit of the heartache of all the rest.
Just for today, can you be thankful for what you have instead of angry about what you don’t?
Just for today.