What Does It Actually Mean To Be Queer?
As the acronym that encompasses "queerness" grows longer and longer, we may need to rethink what it means to be "normal" when it comes to human sexuality.
At the moment, being "normal" in America generally means you are straight, cis-gendered. But is that really even “normal” anymore? Should it ever have been? The truth is, there are millions and millions of miserable heterosexuals, many of whom are even in sexless marriages. A sexless marriage is one in which the couple reports only having sex on an average of once a month or less. This isn’t even a new problem. Back in 2009, the New York Times reported that an estimated 15 percent of married couples had not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year
It is ironic that in a culture so completely obsessed with sex, we seem to actually be having very little of it. In fact, in 2018, the number of Americans reporting as not having sex reached a record high. Perhaps even more surprisingly, the demographic reporting highest as not having sex was 20-something men. There are many reasons that this makes sense, high among them being that labor force participation among young men has fallen, leading to more young men still living with their parents. Another reason, however, is that thanks to male America still trying desperately to cling to rigid and outdated gender norms, women are simply opting to mate with each other. What is ironic is that most of these so-called “gender norms” were both created and propagated by men themselves, which science is quickly debunking.
But perhaps even more importantly, in a world where sex can finally be had quickly, cheaply and easily, maybe we are finally learning that sex doesn't actually solve all of the problems that we have long wanted to believe it does. In our culture, sex and love have become so deeply and inextricably intertwined that we can no longer even recognize that there is actually a vast difference between the two. We want to believe that sex is the ultimate expression of love and yet the booming sex industry should tell us that is not even remotely true. Even more disturbing (although not really surprising) is the growing sex addiction issue within Evangelicals, particularly among pastors.
It is entirely possible to have sex with someone you have no feelings for at all and in some cases, the person you love the most can be the hardest person to have sex with.
So what do we do?
Well, to start with, we can start to unwind the concrete link in our brains between sex and love. In America, we actually have very little idea what it actually means to love someone. This notion that love is a feeling that can simply come and go at will is deeply buried in our psyche - and is completely false. Perhaps the reason that Frozen was such a massive hit had little to do with its punchy lines and catchy soundtrack but because it was one of the very first movies to focus on some type of love other than sexually attractive love.
The next thing we can do is recognize the real value of friendship. We’ve made it somehow a bad thing to get relegated to the “friendship zone” yet it turns out friends actually make the best lovers. This should come as no surprise to anyone who truly understands the difference between sex and love. While sex can certainly be an expression of love, it is not inherently an act of love. What we actually crave, what we actually long for is intimacy and we have long tried to use sex as a shortcut to achieve it. But intimacy is much harder to achieve and takes longer to build than just jumping into the sack the second we feel sparks with someone.
This thing we call “being queer” is really just throwing off the idea that sexual attractiveness is more dependent on intense chemistry than simple compatibility - or even that we need sex more than companionship. “Queerness” now encompasses an entire range of sexual preferences including celibacy. In addition, many of the labels one might choose to wear are also quite fluid. So at some point, you have to question whether there are actually far more queer people than “normal” people, which would mean that perhaps it is far more normal to be queer than to be “straight, cis-gendered” or what we now call “normal.”
Perhaps, in America, our sex lives will improve when we truly learn what it means to be a better lover. And that is something everyone can do, no matter what label you define yourself by. Is it also possible, by any chance, that perhaps the labels themselves might be the problem? Why do we even need to label ourselves at all?
"The only queer people are those who don't love anybody." - Rita Mae Brown #RobinThinks.
This is “normal” hetero toxicity. Why the LGBTQ+ community has a need to identify or label ourselves is based off the oppression our community has faced prior to 1940, when women were legally allowed to go to bars without their husband’s presence.
So would you suggest the queer community respond flippantly about those whom have been fighting for equality even prior to Stone Wall? We label ourselves to find community, acceptance, representation and justice as just a few examples.
I’m not even sure how you equate your very obvious and dormant sex life to queerness. Did you even speak to anyone from the queer community before writing this garbage? The fact you quoted Rita Mae Brown, a legendary, prolific queer writer completely out of context is offensive.
Your dried up sex life has nothing to do with queerness. So, Robin, please quit thinking you know about anything, especially providing scientific citations from 2013 that don’t even apply to today. Please educate yourself on queerness and the queer community’s history before ever speaking or writing about it again. At the very least, do your due diligence as a writer which you were too lazy to do with this piece (of crap).
Question for you:
You stated “…is that thanks to male America still trying desperately to cling to rigid and outdated gender norms, women are simply opting to mate with each other. What is ironic is that most of these so-called “gender norms” were both created and propagated by men themselves, which science is quickly debunking.” You think women are opting; choosing to be with another woman? It’s not a light switch that us queers have the power to flip on and off.
Do you even know the social and legal pressures that come with being in a same sex relationship? Ask Matthew Shepard, but you can’t because he was murdered for being queer. We’ve only legally been able to marry nationwide since 2015 and it be recognized by state and federal government. However, to this day in 20+ states it is legal for a landlord to deny the leasing application solely because your partner is the same sex. So, getting married is legal. But with the current housing crisis, you and your significant other may struggle to find somewhere to live. https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/tenant-rights-sexual-orientation-discrimination-29843.html
Also, what exactly is science debunking? That males created this patriarchy to stay in control or that males are at least not partially responsible for these ideals? You’re not clear on this statement.
I suggest you think more about how religion/Christianity misconstrue love and sex. I will quote you again, “We want to believe that sex is the ultimate expression of love and yet the booming sex industry should tell us that is not even remotely true. Even more disturbing (although not really surprising) is the growing sex addiction issue within Evangelicals, particularly among pastors.”
Sex addiction is not real. We can thank Tiger Wood’s PR team for that nonsense. It’s another way people, especially males, get a pass for acting like privileged, adult frat boys who attend church on Sunday without consequence.
I truly hope no one makes the poor decision to advertise on your blog and waste their money on the Saturday morning delusions you decide to make a blog out of.
To quote Rita Mae Brown appropriately and within context:
“I don’t care whether they like me or not. Everybody’s stupid, that’s what I think. I care if I like me, that’s what I truly care about.”
- Lindsay, Seattle, WA