What Should A Church Actually Look Like?
I don't mean the building, I mean the body.
It ia no secret that women are flowing out of American churches in droves, while men are flooding right back into it. And this isn’t just happening in White churches. In Black churches, however, it isn’t just women that are leaving. In White churches, this phenomenon shouldn’t be that hard to understand. While the SBC, among other denominations, may have been able to keep women out of their pulpits, women have a longstanding history of quietly working behind the scenes to influence the direction men take. Just because they may not have or have had a public voice does not mean that women have not held great influence within the church.
But eventually, there comes a time when men’s attempts to silence women become so successful that we feel we have no other choice but to simply leave. After decades of trying to change churches from within, women are realizing that they are fighting a losing battle and are simply choosing to leave instead. When that happens, the worst elements of masculine culture (unchecked by a female counter—force) become dominant. It should come as no surprise then, that churches suddenly become more attractive to men, the fewer women there are helping to mold and shape it. There is little men love more than having the worst of themselves applauded as being the best. which is exactly what they do when any group is largely comprised mostly of themselves.
But while American church culture may have become highly toxic, that doesn’t mean that humans don’t long for the kinds of connection that churches are supposed to offer. The kind of connection that is essential to human flourishing. Instead, many are reaching out for connection digitally, but just like in churches, that connection is highly susceptible to manipulation. Anxiety, depression and loneliness are on the rise, with loneliness reaching the level of being considered an epidemic.
While the “secular” answer to this seems to be to simpy try and medicate all the problems away, particularly in youth, I personally believe that what we are experiencing in America ( and possibly in the Western world in general) is a spiritual crisis. Just because more men than ever are flocking to churches doesn’t mean those churches are healthy environments. Men also flock to bars, strip clubs, and violent sporting events. Places where (arguably) the worst of themselves is encouraged and even celebrated.
Many people are leaving mainline or mainstream churches and starting their own churches. The problem is, until you stop and truly identify what is wrong with modern Western churches, you will just keep replicating the same problem over and over. And the problem is that there are too few people willing to take a good, long look in the mirror and admit what draws us to most churches in the first place.
The last time I tried to attend a church, it was a multi-site megachurch in Denver, CO. One of the phrases I heard over and over that absolutely drove me crazy was how much they “agreed” on everything and how much “in agreement” they were. As if one of the most important tenets of the Christian faith is that everyone agrees with each other. Here are the top hits from Duck Duck Go (I don’t use Google) when I typed in “what are the top qualities to look for in a church?” I’m not surprised at the results that I got, because every one of them echoed the same sentiments I have heard from countless Christians lately when they talked about “finding a good church.”
7 Qualities to Look For in a Church
7 Characteristics of a Church That Glorifies God
What Should We Look For In A Church?
It would not be surprising if you don’t see the constant problematic thread running through every one of these articles. I personally find it quite hilarious that every one of them mentions something about “Biblical teaching” or “good Biblical teaching” because have you ever been to, or even heard of, a Christian church of any kind or denomination that doesn’t claim to believe in the Bible? So then what is “good” Biblical teaching and why is it so important? And how are you supposed to know if it’s “good” or not?
Well, as they said at the multi-site megachurch I attended, do you agree with it? How do you get 2,000 or 5.000 or 30,000 people to all agree? One way to do that is to keep things so basic that it’s kind of hard to not agree with what they say. Here are some actual church mission statements pulled from various churches on the internet.
To love God, love people, and make disciples who impact the world for Jesus Christ.
Growing together in faith, love, and service to impact our world for Christ.
To reach, teach, and equip people to transform lives and impact communities for Christ.
Seeking God passionately, loving others unconditionally, and serving the world selflessly.
Shining the light of God’s love in the community and illuminating the path to Christ.
Connecting people to God, each other, and their purpose in Christ.
Glorifying God through worship, discipleship, and outreach to make His name known.
We are committed to the Baptist principles of Soul Freedom, Church Freedom, Bible Freedom, and Religious Freedom.
Caring deeply, loving everyone, serving together.
It really should come as no surprise in a country where Evangelical churches have become the dominant force, that the majority of emphasis in most churches is “spreading the gospel.” The question is which gospel? And the answer is, whatever gospel you believe in. So, the more people you have gathering together to all agree on what the gospel is, the more you can convince yourself that your interpretation of the gospel is RIGHT. So, realistically, what almost 100% of Americans look for when they go looking for a church is a group of people that agrees with them on what is “true.”
This has become so commonplace and deeply ingrained in church culture that I’m sure you’re asking yourself right now “so what should I be looking for?”
Unfortunately, the answer to that will seem so violently radical, I can’t just come out and say it or you will reject it immediately and most likely quite violently. Largely because if you have spent any time in an American church of any kind, you will have been conditioned to reject it. Because no one wants to actually follow the path of Jesus, we just want to dip our toes in the water once in a while and consider ourselves baptized.
To begin, it’s important to understand what the New Testament actually is. The first four books (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) are eyewitness accounts of the life, ministry and teachings of Jesus. Each of these books was actually written decades after Jesus’ time on earth, so it’s fair to say that they are not necessarily chronologically accurate, but rather an accounting of the things that Jesus did that were so shocking, surprising, radical or revolutionary that they stuck in the memories of these men decades later. Also keep in mind, Jesus didn’t just have 12 disciples, he had dozens and possibly hundreds, but the anthology we call the Bible only contains the accounts of four of them. Which just begs the question of whether there are actually more written accounts, and if so, what happened to them? If there are more, who made the decision as to which ones to include and which ones not to include and why?
What’s important to note is that Jesus himself didn’t actually write anything, even though he is clearly literate and capable of it. At one point, he is described as writing something in the sand, which means he was clearly capable of writing, yet he never wrote any of his teachings down. And don’t you think that if he were really concerned about people being in agreement on what he taught, he might have written them down?
What Jesus did do, was speak and live according to the same principles that he taught. In doing so, he gave his disciples the opportunity to actually see with their eyes and to experience what it looked like to actually live by the things Jesus taught. And apparently, that made a huge impact.
It cannot be overstated how shocking most of the actions of Jesus would have been at the time, and might still be even today. Particularly when it came to women, children, the poor, the outcast, the lame, the crippled and the lowest members of society. For that matter, it was just as shocking how he treated the wealthy.. Which is to say, he literally didn’t treat them any differently than the poor or the outcasts of society. In his culture, as now, to prove yourself a friend to the poor generally demanded proving yourself to be the enemy of the rich. He did not, and in doing so, he changed just as many wealthy lives as poor ones.
The rest of the New Testament is essentially the chronicles of what came next, and how people who had lived with or been impacted in some way by the teachings of Jesus subsequently lived their lives. Many of the “books” are letters written by Paul to the new “churches” in various towns. Which is to say, each town was one “church,” although they generally met in small groups in people’s homes.
The book of Corinthians is series of letters he wrote to the church/ churches in the city of Corinth, Phillippians is letters to the church/ churches of Phillippi and so on and so forth. The reason Paul wrote so many letters is that there were constant conflicts erupting due to the nature of these new “churches” and communities being formed. And this is what is so critical to understand about the sad plight of modern American churches.
What Jesus gave people was a radical vision of a new way to live. He wasn’t concerned with rules, laws or doctrine. He wasn’t interested in everyone being on the same page or “agreeing” with everyone or anyone else. What he was concerned with was how you lived, not what your religious beliefs were.
So, to put what happened in a modern context, imagine this…
Imagine what would happen if all the Jews, Christians, Muslims and all the many different denominations and sects within these religions (Mormon, Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, Quaker, Amish, Orthodox, Reform. Conservative, Sunni, Sufi etc, etc) all figured out that they actually worship the same God (which they do) and really the only differences between them was how they worshipped that God and/ or who they considered to be a “true” prophet. Now throw in Buddhists, Taoists, Brahmins and atheists all flocking to learn more about the teachings of this Jesus guy, but nor really interested in the “disciplines” of Judaism, Christianity or Islam.
Think that might be chaos? It was.
Although the names were different, many of the beliefs they held were similar to denominational and religious beliefs of today, so it looked something like this:
The Jews wanted everyone to get circumcised, the Seventh-Day Adventists wanted everyone to stop eating meat, and the Muslims and Baptists wanted everyone to stop drinking alcohol. The Jews, Catholics, Methodists and Lutherans were offended that the Muslims were telling them to stop drinking wine, and the Texas Baptists were offended that the Seventh-Day Adventists were trying to tell them it was wrong to eat meat. The Catholics were offended that Muslims refused to take communion and the Baptists and Mormons were serving it without it being properly consecrated. The Catholics and Baptists were upset that the Lutherans and Methodists supported LGBTQ people and a woman’s right to choose what she did with her own body.
Most of the New Testament is essentially the chronicles of Paul’s attempts to get this vast and diverse group of people working together to accomplish a common goal without trying to get everyone “on the same page” doctrinally. And what was the result? What is the goal if not to agree on doctrine and spread your doctrinal beliefs to others?
All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus. And God’s grace was so powerfully at work in them all that there were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned land or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to anyone who had need. (Acts 4: 32-35)
Did you catch that? They were somehow one in heart and mind even though they had vast theological and doctrinal differences. Yet somehow the outcome was that there were no needy people among them. The rich sold things they didn’t need and the leaders distributed the profits to the poor!. Note, they did not use it to build elaborate church buildings (they met in homes) and it wasn’t used to buy the leaders grand estates and expensive homes. In other words., they didn’t line their own pockets with what was collected, they distributed it to the poor until there were no needy anymore.
The problem is not that people are not giving to churches; they are. Just one organization, responsible for the financial management of more than 90,000 churches and religious organizations, reported that they were responsible for $6.45 Billion in charitable giving in 2024. Keep in mind that as non-profits, churches don’t have to report their finances to the IRS the same way that for-profit businesses do, but estimates of the annual revenue stream of all faith-based organizations can range as high as $378 Billion annually.
As much as church leaders might want to cling to the notion that younger generations are flocking out of their churches because they just want to “sin”, the rampant amount of sexual and financial abuse in churches would seem to imply that church participation has never really stopped anyone from “sinning” anyway.
Perhaps what people are tired of is watching enormous amounts of money flow into churches,. which seems to be used far more to build large, prestigious buildings and buy pastors multi-million dollar mansions. Perhaps they are tired of the weekend performances that never seem to bring actual peace, let alone happiness.
So what do *I* think a church should look like? What would cause me to darken the doors of a church again? For one thing, I don’t know that I will ever attend a church in a building set aside solely for the use of that church. But beyond that, I am far less interested in having someone tell me what I have to believe, and far more interested in working together with others who want to have an impact in our communities.
I want to see churches planting community gardens to feed the neighborhood, hosting community dinners that are actually for the community and not just for that church. Not to proselytize them or tell them why their beliefs are wrong, but to literally just break bread together. I want to see people worshipping with other people in their own neighborhoods, not driving across town to worship with people who believe the same things they do.
The reality is, we simply don’t grow without conflict. It takes someone challenging our beliefs to actually make us think about them and grow in our faith. How are you going to have the kinds of conflicts and challenges necessary for growth, when you purposefully engineer a church to avoid all conflict?
If you want to know why there is so much conflict in the United States right now, it’s because even our CHURCHES don’t know how to actually manage conflict. Instead, they’ve spent much of the last 4 decades perfecting the art of simply avoiding it in order to amass as large of a following as possible. You can’t lead people where you’ve never been.