Why We Have A Loneliness Crisis
Long before there was a global pandemic, both the U.S. and the U.K. had already declared a loneliness epidemic. The pandemic only made it worse. So, why are we so lonely?
As human beings, we all want to be loved for who we are. Unfortunately, we also know that we are far more likely to be judged for who we are than loved for who we are. We also know that we have a soft center that can easily be hurt. We have all felt the pain of words that stab us deeply in the heart. Most of us have had the experience of opening ourselves completely to someone, only to have them later brush us aside like dirt or use our vulnerability to in some way elevate themselves.
As a result, we often build a thick skin, a hard shell that we use to protect our tender, fragile heart. Although this is understandable, if we are not careful, this thick shell can just keep growing thicker and thicker until all we are is this hard, tough shell.
Although they can be hard to find, we need people in our lives that we can be vulnerable with. People we can reveal our most tender parts to and trust that they will handle them with care. This is called intimacy. America has an obsession with sex and yet at the same time a massive difficulty talking about it. Sex and intimacy are often thought to be the same thing, but nothing could be further from the truth. You can have sex without intimacy and deep intimacy without sex.
This is why it is so important to understand what we are really looking for. If you don’t know what it is you are looking for but just keep trying, trying, trying to find it, you can harm yourself in the process and cause even more damage. The reality is that it isn’t actually sex we are looking for but intimacy. Intimacy means “into me you see.” It means to be seen and known and loved for who we are.
While sex can sometimes be the result of intimacy, it doesn't automatically create it on its own. So sometimes we just jump from bed to bed trying to fill the void, or eventually just give up. Sometimes we try having a relationship - which often just means we have “serial sex” with someone, but still the void yawns painfully. Because sex in and of itself does not create intimacy no matter how many times you have it.
True intimacy requires vulnerability, and the more we have been burned before, the harder it is to be vulnerable with someone. So we just go on trying to scratch the itch or fill the void with sex, but it just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Which means that rather than being fulfilled by sex, we can just be left feeling emptier and emptier. For some, this leads to an avoidance of sex, while others just keep doubling down and trying harder and harder to fill the void with sex. In the end, it can just leave us lonelier than ever.
Long before the pandemic, the western world was already suffering from what was being called a “loneliness pandemic”. Loneliness, also known as social isolation, has been linked to a number of serious health conditions, including:
Significantly increased risk of premature death from all causes; rivaling those of smoking, obesity, and physical inactivity.
A 50% percent increased risk of dementia.
A 29% increased risk of heart disease and a 32% increased risk of stroke.
Higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide.
Loneliness among heart failure patients was associated with a nearly 4 times increased risk of death, 68% increased risk of hospitalization, and 57% increased risk of emergency department visits.
In a world more connected than ever before, we are lonelier than ever. Perhaps this is because we have so many social media “friends” and so few real ones. It is so easy to create an image on social media that is far more perfect than who we know ourselves to be. When we develop “friendships” based on this fake image, however, it just keeps us trapped. What we really want is to be seen and known but we also are afraid if we show people who we really are, they won’t like us. So we just continue on in this empty existence.
Have you ever been in a room full of people, yet felt completely lonely? Research suggests that certain populations such as immigrants, and LGBTQIA+ experience loneliness more often than other groups. The reason for this is that the antidote to loneliness is not simply “being around people” but having deep community ties. What we are looking for is not a bunch of people to “hang out” with or even a bunch of followers online. What we need are people in our lives that we can be real with, completely honest with about who we are. But again, being real requires vulnerability and most of us are too scared of rejection to risk being vulnerable. This may be particularly true of LGBTQIA+ individuals, who risk literal physical harm for opening up and being vulnerable. Without risk, however, there is no reward.
For centuries, churches have provided safe spaces for millions but are now becoming largely toxic environments for too many, leaving millions cast adrift with no roots.
The truth is, you are fully worthy of love, exactly the way you are. I promise you, the person you actually are is infinitely more beautiful than the digital image or fake facade you create to show the world. Recently I read that people can no longer tell the difference between real faces and AI generated images of faces. It had a quiz after to see if you could tell the difference and I got 100% on the quiz. What I looked for was flaws and inconsistencies.
It is your flaws and inconsistencies that make you human, therefore, it is your flaw and inconsistencies that make you beautiful.
Can you be vulnerable to someone today, even if it is only yourself? Can you look in the mirror and speak kind words to yourself? Can you begin the process of learning to love what you see, for all that you are?
And if you have the good fortune to have a mate, a partner, a friend with whom to share your life, can you tell them today that you love the whole of them? All of the parts - the good parts, the “bad” parts and everything in between. The rough edges and the “soft parts that bleed”. If you don’t have a friend with whom you can be completely and totally vulnerable, perhaps today might be a good day to start looking for one.
I love your rough edges and soft parts that bleed. The ruins of your soul are poetry to me. - Anita Krizzan #RobinThinks