Why We Have Awful Sex (And What To Do About It)
It is estimated that as many as 20% of all marriages are sexless and sexual activity overall is declining in America. Is it possibly because we don't really know how to have good sex?
A 2018 cover story for The Atlantic warned that Americans were having so little sex, that senior editor Kate Julian dubbed it a “sex recession.” It is estimated that as many as 20% of American marriages are “sexless,” meaning they have sex once per month or less. According to a General Social Survey taken in 2018, 23% of Millennial men (ages 18 to 29) in the United States said they hadn’t had sex in the last year. That’s double the amount from a decade earlier, in 2008.
During the pandemic, COVID-19 related restrictions correlated with higher rates of sexual dysfunction and reduced sexual activity; which was also greater in women than men. While all of these studies measure the quantity of sex rather than the quality, is it possible that they are directly correlated? Is it possible that the reason we are having less and less sex is because we are having worse and worse sex? Or maybe we’re finally waking up to the fact that we’ve always had bad sex. We’ve just given up because we don’t know how to have better sex.
In truth, the quality of sex in America can’t really be measured for one simple reason: there is a very good chance that the majority of Americans have no idea what truly good sex actually feels like. We watch thousands of movies and TV shows in which people are ostensibly having great sex. When you really understand what goes into having great sex, however, then it is unlikely that even those fictional characters would actually be having good sex.
Here’s one of the problems: historically, every single movie and TV show you’ve ever watched has been made by MEN. Which includes all the rom-coms and “chick flicks.” Just think about that for one minute.
Up until very recently, every sex/ love scene we have ever watched on a screen for decades have all been written and directed by men.
Ultimately, for most of history men have dominated all of the narratives we have around sex. Particularly since it has also historically been verboten for women to even talk about it. Is it any wonder then, that every movie and TV show we have ever watched has been populated by men who just seem to instinctively know how to please their partner? Of course men would present themselves as sexually skilled, but is it really true?
The “purity culture” in America would also seem to suggest that men also feel they will just “naturally” be good at sex, since the only instruction ever given in America’s religious circles is “no sex before marriage.” Once you are married, you’re on your own, no further instruction is given. Those two things put together seem to imply that all you have to do is simply wait until you are married and voilà, mind-blowing sex will somehow just magically happen. A belief a lot of men seem to share.
To make matters worse, women have also been socialized to never, never, never tell a man he is bad in bed, wound his pride, or “hurt his feelings” (even though they would never call it that). It is also only very recently that we have begun to actually talk about a woman’s pleasure during sex. Part of the problem with men controlling the narrative for so long is that in their narrative, they are always going to please a women without any work or improvement. Even if they were willing to learn, however, who is going to teach them? Even women don’t know what they want/ like during sex because everything we know (or think we know) we learned from the media men make or from male pastors, teachers, researchers and therapists!
So men go right on getting their techniques from media that they are making and then we do our part by pretending they are actually turning us on or that we are enjoying sex. Then when couples have sexual intimacy issues, they generally go to male therapists or female therapists that were trained/ indoctrinated by male scientists and researchers. What is interesting is that while sexual participation is declining, so is the divorce rate. We have long been told that sex is necessary for a happy marriage, but is it really? While good sex would be great, is it perhaps better (for women, at least) to have no sex than bad sex? So maybe if men want sex rates to increase again, they need to learn to be better at it. And perhaps women need to learn what they like/ want so they can teach them.
The number of same gender couples is rising, but based on all of the other factors that go into having truly good sex, it is questionable whether even they are having good sex. After all, even they have been watching all the same media everyone else is, which has even played a role in setting their expectations.
What if no one is just “naturally”great at sex?
We have bought into this narrative for too long that good sex just “happens” and it’s all just a matter of chemistry. If you have good chemistry, then obviously you have good sex, right? Wrong. Just because sex is good for a man doesn’t make it good for a woman, and it is questionable if women really know what good sex is. Based on the decline in young men having sex, perhaps it really isn’t all that great for them either. We seem to have culturally decided that “good” sex is having a massive orgasm, but is that all it really is? And just how many women are experiencing that, even if that’s all that matters? Good sex actually takes practice and communication.
Sex is just one more thing we have turned into an act of violence.
Have you ever noticed how sex scenes in media all seem to be rather violent? Like, do we really want to be slammed hard up against a wall? Really? Who in the world ever decided this was “sexy”? Men did, that’s who, and we (women) have not disabused them of the notion that there is nothing sexy about getting slammed into a wall. So it just keeps turning up again and again. I can remember watching an episode of House, which aired more than a decade ago, in which Dr. Remy Hadley had a “steamy” sex scene with another woman - and sure enough, wall slamming. And it’s still being used as a vehicle for “hot sex” even today.
And that’s just in mainstream media. What about porn? Porn is just one more creation of violence. Where is the tenderness, where is the gentleness? According to a study conducted by Covenant Eyes, 79 percent of Christian men ages 18-30 view porn at least once a month and 63 percent view it several times a week. So it would seem that “no sex until marriage” doesn’t actually magically create this amazing sex life after all. Is it really any wonder we have a sex problem when men’s idea of “good sex” is based on images of violence? Sex has become just the grown-up version of boys, punching, pushing or pulling a girl’s hair just to show her they “like her.” And we’re still just accepting it!
Your brain doesn't differentiate between what you see on a screen and what you see IRL.
What many people don’t fully register is that when you’re watching sex on a screen, everything is scripted. It’s not real. But your brain doesn’t actually register that. Whatever your eyes see, your brain files away the exact same way. However many times you’ve watched people having sex on a screen, that’s how often your brain thinks people are having sex.
When a man watches another man commit an act of violence towards a woman and she “likes it” - his brain believes that is actually what women like. His eyes have seen what his eyes have seen. What’s even worse, women are watching porn and thinking that is what they are supposed to like. Then, they either pretend that’s what they like because they want men to like them or they simply get disgusted by men who genuinely think that’s what women want. I really wonder how many lesbians also think that is what sex is supposed to look like?
If you watch 10-12 sex scenes per week, your brain thinks you have watched 20-24 people having sex that week. When you’re only having sex once a week, or once a month, it can leave you feeling like your sex life is lacking. Particularly if all those people you are watching are supposedly having good sex. But women on screens are “fulfilled” because they are scripted to be fulfilled. Women have hot, screaming orgasms because they are scripted. Women (actresses) are simply doing what men (writers and directors) are telling them to do. And we all believe it. Then, to make matters worse, women are now going out and making movies and television the exact same way!
If you’ve ever wondered why your personal sexual experiences never seem to match up to what you see on TV, in porn or in the movies, do you think this might be why? When we watch porn, movies and TV shows where people are supposedly having great sex or enjoying violent sex, it makes us feel like that is what it is “supposed” to be like and everyone but us is having great sex.
When we talk to our friends about sex, they also feel like they are the only ones not having great sex. What do we do when we feel like we are the outsider? Do we tell the truth or do we lie in order to pretend that we are part of the club? I can’t prove it, but I think we lie. I think if we were really honest with each other, we’d be having much better sex. If we actually compared our real experiences, we would realize there is a problem and work to fix it rather than just pretending there isn’t one.
Here’s a crazy thought:
What if men don't actually know what we want, because we don’t know what they want? And maybe we don’t know what we want because we’ve been listening to men tell us what they think we want for too long.
One thing we know for certain is that societal “masculinity” is completely focused on the goal, while traditional “femininity” has been focused on the journey. In recent years, we’ve seen women taking on more traditionally “masculine” ideals but we haven’t necessarily seen the same movement of men to take on what have traditionally been considered to be “feminine” ideals. As a result, we are becoming a culture that is growing increasingly out of balance. Men have always been encouraged to compete but women are now becoming more and more competitive as well. We have turned sex into just one more competition in which the goal is simply to “cross the finish line” as quickly as possible.
Good sex is a journey, not a destination.
We are a “fast food, have it your way, right away” country, but good sex is usually crock pot sex, low and slow. If you want to have good sex on Friday, you have to start things cooking on Monday. And how do you do that? Well, first understand that while there are no hard and fast rules, there is a reason romance novels are generally hot sellers among women. Many women (although not all) prefer words to images, but either way, the midpoint between a woman’s brain and her nether regions is her heart. While sexy texts are great, sweet texts are even better. The more men learn to use their words and understand what gets their lady’s engines heated up, the more likely they are to have better sex. But, men (and some women) are also visual, so…
“Instagram culture” and body image issues are killing our sex life
Be honest, how many pics do you snap before you get one good enough to post on Insta? Do you have to always look “Insta worthy” before you leave the house? The thing about sex is that it’s awkward, uncomfortable and more like a cardio yoga workout than a poolside photo shoot. Once again, however, we are victims of a culture in which actresses finish a rousing tussle in the sheets looking perfectly coiffed and groomed. Then we feel we have to finish looking the same. I read somewhere that many men actually like women with messy hair or the “bed head” look because it reminds them of how a woman should look after sex. If you’re still neat and tidy after sex, you’re probably not doing it right.
Beyond that, our body image issues are also a problem. Here’s an exercise. Go stand in front of a mirror naked. If even the thought of standing in front of a mirror naked fills you with horror, then that’s a problem right there. If you can stand in front of a mirror naked, do it - but then pay attention to what happens in your head when you do. Does it immediately fill with criticisms and words of hatred and loathing? If so, then that’s another problem. If you can’t even stand looking at your own naked body, how do you expect to be comfortable having a man or partner look at you naked? If you are that self-conscious about your own body, you won’t ever be able to relax, let go and simply enjoy the experience. It’s kind of hard to have good sex, when you can’t even relax and enjoy yourself.
And speaking of relaxing…
America has an overwhelming obsession with “productivity.” Although there is nothing wrong with productivity in and of itself, we seem to have forgotten the reason for being productive. The goal of productivity should be to get as much done in a small amount of time so that you have more time for rest, relaxation or leisure pursuits. Instead, we are over-scheduled and overbooked and all productivity really does is just free up a tiny amount of time for us to cram in another to-do list item.
When you are stressed, your body produces a hormone called cortisol. Cortisol lowers testosterone, which is the main driver of sexual arousal in both men and women. America now has a new issue prevalent enough to have a name: stresslaxing. We are now so stressed out that even the thought of relaxing causes us stress. It’s not hard to understand how being chronically stressed out, depressed or anxious can have a catastrophic effect on your sex life, but what can you do about it?
While relaxing and de-stressing in general will take a lot more than just a few quick tips, there are some ways you can at least unwind enough to better enjoy sexy time:
Take a bath with some epsom salts and lavender essential oil. Not only will the warm water help you relax, but epsom salts are actually magnesium sulfate, which helps relax muscles and ease tension. Lavender essential oil is also known for its soothing effects, making this bath a relaxation trifecta. If your bathtub is big enough, you can even take a bath together.
Spend some time just kissing or snuggling. When we kiss, our bodies release Oxytocin, which is not only a bonding hormone, but it also creates feelings of safety. This is why it is so important to not treat sex as only being about the O. This is another way you can start getting your engines revved up during the week. If you want to have sex on Friday, spend some time throughout the week just kissing and touching each other.
Start your sexy time with massages
Try to schedule/ set aside at least a 2 hour block each week for sex. If you have children and have the means, consider getting a sitter and going to a hotel. We all understand the importance of date night, but sometimes, going to a loud bar or restaurant or doing some other activity can actually be draining in and of itself, leaving you too tired for sex. Instead of having a dating “activity”, try to find a way to spend that time alone together, even if it means driving out to the middle of nowhere or just having a picnic in a park.
Understand what it is you are really looking for
The problem with men controlling so many of the narratives around sex is that they seem to be under the impression that the only point of sex is to have an orgasm. It’s not. It’s not even what we are really looking for. What we are actually looking for; desperately longing for, is intimacy. Many people think that sex is intimacy and use the words interchangeably, but they are actually two very different things.
You can have deep intimacy without sex and you can have sex without intimacy. If you’ve ever had sex and been left feeling deeply unfulfilled at the end, this may be one reason why. Because what you are really looking for is not sex but intimacy.
If you want to have better sex, you need to learn how to have better intimacy
Intimacy means “into me you see” - it means being naked and vulnerable with your partner. Its interesting that good sex requires two different types of nakedness; one that is traditionally harder for men and one that is traditionally harder for women. Usually, the only kind of nakedness we seen on screens, however, is physical nakedness. Good sex requires both physical and emotional nakedness. Before you get to sexy time, spend some time just talking to each other. Not just about the weather or casual chit-chat. Try and share something with each other that you’ve never shared with anyone before or a deep truth about yourself. Intimacy requires vulnerability which is what makes it so hard to have good sex.
There is, however, one final truth that it is very important to understand. It is always important to remember that men have controlled the narratives around not just sex but relationships in general for centuries. The truth is, there are millions of women dating, living with and married to men they are just not compatible with. Too often, women are pressured into making relationship decisions the way men do: with their heads.
Our bodies are essentially a full-scale DNA lab.
Pheromones contain trace amounts of DNA and we are attracted to people who’s genetic code is most different from ours. Whether you know it or not, you will be most attracted to men that smell good to you because that is your body’s way of telling you that you are genetically compatible. Your body will do an even deeper dive when you kiss.
If you kiss someone and it’s a dud, it has nothing to do with their personality or yours, it has to do with their DNA. Unfortunately, too many women make relational choices for the wrong reasons. We mate because he’s wealthy or handsome or offers stability or because all of our friends are doing it or because our parents pressure us into it or for religious reasons. If you mated for any of those reasons, there is a fairly good chance nothing is going to fix your sex life because you were never compatible in the first place. If that is the case, ladies please stop having sex with a man you are not attracted to! And vice-versa. If a man is having sex with a women he is not deeply attracted to, it’s never going to be good.
While this may still theoretically be considered “consensual” sex, your body is not really giving consent, only your brain is. That means to your body it is a form of rape. Please stop doing that to your body and to your person. If you have to “shut yourself down” or “step away from your body” during sex, you are for all intents and purposes subjecting yourself to rape. And that is never going to be good for anyone.
Do not ever consent to sex unless everything in you is screaming “yes, yes, YES!”
Just like everything else in life, good sex is not something that just happens, it’s something you have to work for. And also just like everything else in life, you will get out of it what you put into it.
What are your thoughts? Do you feel like you have great sex with your partner? Are you sexually satisfied and fulfilled overall? If you think about the best sex you ever had, what do you think made the difference? What caused one experience to be so much better than any others? I think when we stop pretending and start talking honestly to each other, we give ourselves the best chance to figure out how to truly have great sex.