Why We Have Violent Sexual Fantasies
From bondage to gang rape to sadomasochism, violent sexual fantasies are far more common than you might think. Rather than being alarmed by them, we need to hear what they are trying to tell us.
While most people have sexual fantasies, I think most people would also be shocked to find out just how many people have violent sexual fantasies. Instead of talking honestly about them, however, they are just one more thing we hide away in shame. The irony is, sexual shame is generally one of the key reasons we have them in the first place.
In America, rather than having open, honest, healthy discussions about sex, we all consume the same media and allow our collective consumption to establish our ideas around what is “normal”. Humans crave acceptance and belonging, so any way in which we feel we do not fit a certain “norm” can cause distress. This is particularly true when it comes to sexual behavior.
Anything that deviates from the perceived norm is considered be deviant behavior. Since deviants are most often quickly ushered out of “polite society”, we all tend to keep any desires we think might be “abnormal” on lockdown. This need for acceptance and belonging, however, is at odds with our desire for variation.
We often balk at the thought of long-term monogamous relationships because it means we can only have sex with one person. Further, our culture divides women between “good girls” and “bad girls” and good girls are only allowed to behave sexually within very narrow confines, if they are even capable of having sex at all. When women spend years keeping their sexuality on lockdown, it doesn't just spring forth into healthy sexuality as soon as they are in a situation where sex is suddenly “permitted”.
Men, on the other hand, are taught that they might have more explorative sex with a “bad girl” but when it comes to relationships, you have to find a “good girl.” Women are taught that only “good girls” are worthy of relationships, which locks both men and women into an extremely narrow range of “appropriate” sexual behaviors. This can leave them both hungry and desperate for something different.
In a world that seems saturated in sex, we are starving.
Women can’t be honest about the true nature of their sexual fantasies because we can’t afford to have them exposed to the world of men. Similar, men can’t talk about their sexual fantasies because it would make women view them with distrust. It’s also highly likely that many heterosexual men have same gender sexual fantasies. It shouldn’t be too hard to understand that if we share our sexual fantasies, we run the risk of having others take them at face value and assume we want to act on them. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Sexually violent or “deviant” fantasies are not actually a secret desire for deviant or violent sex, but rather the frantic pounding of repressed sexuality desperate to be free.
The book 50 Shades of Grey was a massive hit, because it embodied some very common elements of so many sexual fantasies. The movie was a dismal failure, however, because it literally couldn't show on screen the very elements that made the book such a hit. Doing so would have revealed the truly unhealthy nature of the relationship between the main characters. Here are some of the common themes and elements, what makes them attractive and what also makes them unhealthy.
Sadomasochism
In theory, sadomasochism is the relationship between a person who enjoys causing pain (sadist) and a person who enjoys receiving pain (masochist). In reality, however, sadomasochism is far more often about power than pain and is more accurately referred to as a Dominant/ Submissive (D/S) relationship. At their root, they are one-up/ one-down relationships, which are far more prevalent throughout our culture than many people realize.
What’s important to understand about relationships, is that we are constantly seeking dynamic equilibrium or stasis. Actually achieving stasis can lead to stagnation or motionlessness, but we almost never achieve stasis due to constantly changing relational dynamics. The same way our body is constantly seeking to achieve homeostasis, we are constantly striving to achieve relational stasis.
homeostasis, any self-regulating process by which biological systems tend to maintain stability while adjusting to conditions that are optimal for survival. The stability attained is actually a dynamic equilibrium, in which continuous change occurs yet relatively uniform conditions prevail.
Any system in dynamic equilibrium tends to reach a steady state, a balance that resists outside forces of change. When such a system is disturbed, built-in regulatory devices respond to the departures to establish a new balance; such a process is one of feedbackcontrol.
In other words, stasis is a constant struggle for balance or stability in a system with constantly changing dynamics. Any time someone feels disempowered or a lack or loss of control in one relationship (one-down) they will automatically seek to find another relationship in which they feel empowered or in control (one-up) in order to regain or retain balance or equilibrium. It is possible to achieve an unhealthy stasis, which is what happens when the “one-down” person in the relationship stops resisting and instead finds another relationship in which to be the “one-up” in.
Egalitarian relationships are those which maintain dynamic equilibrium. They are not static, but rather they adapt quickly to maintain stability in response to outside forces of change. They don’t lead to stagnation or motionlessness, however, because the balance of power is constantly shifting.
Patriarchy inherently promotes sadomasochistic relationships
Women who grow up in patriarchal culture are literally taught their role is to be submissive. Men are also taught to “submit to authority,” so they are also taught to be the Submissive in certain relationships. Any relationship in which someone feels forced into a Submissive role, however, is going to inherently cause them to need to be Dominant in another in order to achieve stasis or maintain dynamic equilibrium.
Men who feel subordinated or disrespected at work will often become overly dominant with their wife or children. If they don’t feel they can establish dominance with their wife, they may look elsewhere, such as with a prostitute or mistress. Although we love our binaries and therefore like to think of men as being either gay or straight, the truth is, relationally heterosexual men may fantasize about “fucking” another man the way they themselves feel they are being “fucked” by someone else.
This can lead to a great deal of sexual confusion, which they may then take out on their female sexual partner. They may even commit sexual violence against their partner as a means of proving their manhood to themselves. This is why it is so important to actually have honest conversations about sex and also to understand that sexual fantasies are not always about sex. Sometimes they are about relational dynamics. If we don’t talk about them, however, we can simply end up acting on them or acting out against them which can have destructive consequences.
Healthy egalitarian relationships are those in which power flows freely back and forth. Each person in the relationship is capable of stepping forward to take the lead and equally capable of stepping back to let their partner or someone else take the lead. In egalitarian relationships, who takes the lead is not based on gender or rank but rather simply on who is most qualified to lead in any given situation.
Sexually, both parties are also capable of initiating and taking the lead or allowing themselves to be “ministered”to by their partner or mate. Healthy couples have also done the hard work of building and establishing trust, which allows them to try new things, even if it makes them feel slightly foolish or uncomfortable.
When women are raised to believe that God wants them to be “submissive” they will often fantasize about a dominant man forcing them into submission, sometimes even violently. This is particulate true of women with strong natures who believe they are not supposed to be strong and powerful. Although these fantasies are abusive, they don’t always seem so in our imaginations. Our desire is for someone to “help” us become something we desperately believe we are supposed to be. In fact, predatory men will often present themselves as “helping” a woman become her full self and the woman may also view their relationship this way.
Similarly, men can fantasize about being punished for being weak, as if the punishment itself will make them strong, or fantasize about being “taken” by a strong and powerful man or woman. I strongly suspect that even heterosexual men who feel weak in their sexuality may actually fantasize about being taken by a strong man rather than a strong woman. Although men in Greek culture had wives they had obligatory sex with, they considered sex with other men to be more manly. I’m not sure we’ve actually strayed as far from that belief as Evangelical Christianity would like us all to think.
Women may be verbally and psychologically abusive to a man they perceive as weak and the man may actually invite that abuse in hopes it will make him stronger. Strong women can deeply resent men they don’t feel can dominate them the way they believe they are supposed to be dominated by a man. The reality is, abuse is abuse and D/S relationships are always abusive, no matter how they may appear - even to the people in them.
While these relationships may seem alluring when safely tucked away in our fantasies, if they ever make the jump from fantasy to reality they can quickly become a nightmare. This is one more reason why 50 Shades the book was a hit while the movie was a bomb. In books, women can use their imaginations to minimize or magnify certain elements as they want. When those scenes are actually brought to life on a screen, however, our imaginations lose control and the written dynamics are revealed for what they really are: full-on abuse.
BDSM
As much as our culture loves the idea of men being sexually skillful, they rarely are - namely because women aren’t encouraged- or in some cases even allowed - to teach them. Even if women felt free to teach, guide or instruct however, they can’t because even women rarely know what they like or want because we are not free to explore sexually. Without guidance, however, men really have no way of knowing how to skillfully engage in sexual relationships. Men are also societally expected take the lead and know what to do, which can lead to a great deal of performance anxiety.
Instead, men will often use porn - which is made by men - as an educational tool. This means men are attempting to learn from men how to be sexually skilled and women are generally left frustrated, but women are also not equipped to guide any better. I don’t think it’s that most men would not be eager students but rather that women are not empowered to teach. Instead, women are simply taught to lie or pretend, which doesn’t help men become better lovers. As a result, bondage fantasies are common in which women imagine themselves to be tied down while a man “ravishes” them skillfully.
BDSM fantasies are also incredibly common among those who are ashamed of their sexuality or sexual desires. This can include men and women who were brought up in religious cultures where sex was considered dirty or shameful, or boys who were raised by mothers who treated their sexual desires as shameful. In this case, they enjoy the idea of someone “forcing” them into sex or “forcing” them into something they desperately long for but believe to be “bad”.
It is common in our culture for men to recognize this conflict in women on some level but the danger is that they do not understand that our fantasies are not literal. Although we may fantasize about being “pushed” into sex, it does not mean that is what we actually want! Rape and gang rape fantasies are also common, but it does not mean women secretly deep down want to be raped or gang raped. It means, we feel sexually repressed - unable to fully participate in sex and want someone to give us “permission” or set us free sexually. We also don’t talk enough about male sexual repression and shame.
The truth is, however, no one else can set us free - we have to set ourselves free. Repressed sexuality is almost always trapped under years of psychological conditioning and, in some cases, trauma. Neither is going to just go away by someone giving us “permission” to be free sexually or having sex with us. Sexual healing often takes years of therapy and counseling and very slow exploration of healthy sexual behaviors, particularly when there is associated damage or sexual trauma.
In case you’re wondering how I seem to know so much about this. I was this person. I spent at least two years or more having extremely vivid and detailed BDSM fantasies. I was that strong women that was led to believe by patriarchy that I supposed to be weak, which led me to believe that what I really needed was to have a man literally beat me into submission. I am so grateful that I never acted on these fantasies. Instead, I spent nearly two years studying this world and all of the underlying dynamics to untangle my own healthy sexuality from what I was taught my role as a women was “supposed” to be by religious patriarchy.
Hero/ Rescue Fantasies
Like many powerful men, Christian Grey is also emotionally closed off. While Anastasia may have been drawn to the powerful “father figure” that Christian Grey represents, she also believes herself capable of rescuing him emotionally. Hero/ rescuer fantasies are just one more one-up/ one-down kind of relationship and they are never healthy.
As much as both men and women may enjoy or embrace these dynamics at first, they aren’t sustainable in the long run because of the imbalance of power. They are not relationships between two fully empowered and equal adults, they are essentially parent/ child relationships. While there are certain things that even healthy couples will always need to check with each other about, they are also free to act with a high degree of autonomy. Their relationships are characterized by healthy trust and respect, not control.
Although many of us are drawn to the idea of being “chosen” by a wealthy and/ or powerful person, these relationships rarely work out because they inevitably turn out to be one-up/one-down relationships. A truly loving relationship demands the conjoining of two equals.
In the 1990’s RomCom Pretty Woman, wealthy bachelor Edward hires Vivian, a beautiful sex worker, to spend the weekend with him. Intrigued by Vivian, Edward buys her a new wardrobe and begins to take her places in his world. At a polo match, a friend recognizes Vivian as a sex worker and begins to proposition her, which makes Edward angry. In the final scene, Edward asks Vivian what happens when the knight-in-shining-armor rescues the damsel in distress and Vivian replies “she rescues him right back.”
Here’s the problem. Wealthy Edward buys Vivian new clothes and gives her the appearance of belonging in his world, but he doesn’t actually change her fundamental status. When he meets Vivian, the only thing she believes she has to offer the world is her body, which she sells in order to support herself. If Edward had sent her to school, hired her tutors or given her the tools to increase her own worth and value in order to meet him as an equal, then it could be argued that he actually loved her.
He had no reason to be angry when his friend treated her like a sex worker because he did the same thing. He was just buying her body instead of renting but ultimately he was still saying her body was the only thing she had of value. If he had believed her mind was of value, then he would have invested in cultivating that. By focusing on her appearance, he simply changed her from a freelance sex-worker to one merely dedicated to him.
Women are very taken with this idea that we rescue men the same way they rescue us but it isn’t actually true in either case. We cannot rescue others any more than they can rescue us.
Control/ Secrecy
Many people spent a good portion of quarantine devouring salacious details of the self-help/ sex-cult known as NXIVM. Perhaps one of the most astounding parts of the story was that of women branding each other. Many people continue to remain mystified as to how that could happen but it’s not actually all that hard to understand. In fact, the massive success of 50 Shades of Grey should tell us just how common the elements that went into creating that outcome actually are .
Former members stated that it started with the establishment of a master/ slave relationship, which is actually just one more iteration of the Dominant/ Submissive relationship most women are cultivated into almost since birth. These relationships were established the same way all relationships are established and contain the many of the same elements present in most romantic relationships. The difference is that healthy relationships grow out of these initial first stages, while unhealthy relationships grow deeper into them.
Some level of secrecy is common in almost all new relationships and it can even be healthy up to a point. Eventually, however, it is important for relationships to be exposed to the healthy scrutiny of family and friends, not to mention becoming integrated into our other relationships.
Controlling relationships, however, usually go right on existing in secret and excluding more and more of anything outside of it. They create a magical little bubble that contains just the two of you (or a very small, select group) which makes you feel special. You were chosen to be a part of something very secretive and selective.
When someone communicates with us regularly, they are showing us we are a priority in their lives and we often respond in kind. While this is also a healthy part of almost all relationships, it can quickly turn dark when we are not allowed to make anyone or anything else a priority. When someone begins to demand that we respond immediately and/ or becomes angry or violent when we do not, it’s not affection but abuse.
Controlling people will often pour on the affection when they are happy, which makes us desperate to keep them happy in order to keep being the subject of that affection. We can also find ourselves making that person a priority over everyone and everything else in our lives as a means of keeping their affection.
Although 50 Shades of Grey painted a very happy fairy tale in which Christian and Anastasia lived happily ever after in their little BDSM world, the truth is these kinds of controlling relationships are not healthy and generally involve years of therapy to fully be free of. While there is nothing inherently bad or wrong with having violent or vivid sexual fantasies, it is very important to see and understand them for what they are.
It is always important to remember that the most common cause of sexual repression is shame and the second is abuse, which is often deeply intertwined with shame. Unfortunately, sexual assault victims can feel or be made to feel a sense of shame for being assaulted. It is ironic that we can often act out sexually as a means of trying to fight against sexual shame.
If we don’t see and recognize violent fantasies for what they really are, the inclination or desire to act on them can become almost unbearable but acting on them only deepens the damage. Sex does not free us from sexual repression. Therapy, counseling, journaling and/ or honest conversations about sex and sexuality with safe people are the only things that can heal us and help set us free of shame.